How to WIN Friends and Influence People. Dale Carnegie Style



  • 6 steps to win ANY argument (use them).
  • Remember: You are a loser no matter what.
  • BONUS: Video.



First: credit where credit is due. Most of these steps are adapted from How to Win Friends & Influence People by Dale Carnegie. (I promise the actual book is better than the title).

Look, we all do it. Many times we flat out fail at communicating. We let emotions trump logic. Our first priority becomes winning / being “right”.

Is it REALLY a fight over doing the dishes or is it now a fight about who’s going to back down first? Is it REALLY an argument about  GMO’s being good or bad for the planet, or is it about who has the best rhetoric and facts to crush the other person?

Don’t let discussions turn to arguments, and don’t let arguments turn to fact wars. When we fail to separate ourselves from out sides, we get disoriented and feel if they attack our beliefs, they are attacking us. Not applying theses steps can destroy your life and relationships.

So here are the six steps that can save you tons of useless debates and hurt feelings. But always remember: even if you “win” you still lose. Is winning the argument worth losing their goodwill? Is winning the argument more important than mutual respect?


STEP #1 : Don’t Trust Your First Impression

Your first impression is wrong.

  • First impressions are misleading.
  • You immediately misunderstand the person and go into “attack” mode.
  • Ask yourself “what do they really mean by __________”

STEP #2 : If You Want to Win, Listen FIRST

Seek FIRST to understand, THEN be understood.

  • Listening also sets you up to formulate a correct response.
  • PEOPLE ARE NOT LISTENING TO YOU! They are formulating a response in their head.
  • Let them get all their thoughts out FIRST.
  • Now they are in a position to listen to you.
  • Now they can truly see your side.

STEP #3 : Look for Areas of Agreement

Discuss areas of agreement FIRST! 

  • Make the other person feel as if you are on the SAME team!
  • This one trick can save you TONS of arguments and misunderstanding.
  • People often jump to polarized sides
  • This happens out of obligation to be “different” or “against” you.
  • This is a conflict, why would we agree?
  • Get the other person saying “Yes! Yes!” immediately.

STEP #4 : Get Radically Honest

Let me say it: You might actually be wrong!

  • If you are wrong, don’t mindlessly attempt to defend it.
  • You are now defending your ego, not yourself.
  • If you know you are wrong (and you will be), admit it and move on.

It’s okay to be wrong! Get this: if you get a hit 3 of 10 times in pro baseball they pay you $10 Million a year! That means you were “wrong” 7 of 10 times!


STEP #5 : Could They be Right?

Always ask yourself: Could they be right?

  • Yes they could be.
  • Frame your discussion as such.
  • “My way or the highway” sounds cooler than it looks.

STEP #6 : Shut Up!

Bonus Tip: If you have to raise your voice, you’ve already lost!

  • You WILL raise your voice at some point.
  • This is not bad, it means the topic matters to you.
  • However, raising your voice is seen as hitting the panic button.
  • Aim to keep calm at ALL times.
  • Practice points 1-5 and keeping calm will be MUCH easier.


6 Ways to WIN Any Argument 


Like this article? Then check out  How to Win Friends & Influence People by Dale Carnegie.


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